One of the many graces I’ve received since embarking on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land some years ago has been a keen interest and a deep admiration for the apostles. As I stood on the shores of the Sea of Galilee, I could so easily see Jesus and His apostles in their fishing boats, hoping to catch their dinner or cleaning their nets when they got to land. I can picture them sitting around a fire, frying up those fish, listening to Jesus as He shared yet another parable, another life lesson?

I think back to when Jesus first called them to follow Him.  Here they were, these ordinary men, working hard to provide for their families, living life like everyone else.  They had no idea their world was about to be rocked!

What was it about Jesus that drew them to Him?  Was it so clear to them that He was unlike anyone they’d ever known?  Was it the way He spoke or the words He used?  Was there a knowing, deep inside of them that He was the answer to a question they’d never even asked?  And yet, it’s these men who would spread the Good News to as far as they could walk and ultimately to their death.  They were true to him…mostly.

The one I’m most intrigued by, the one who really draws me in is Simon Peter.  We get a good sense of Peter in the New Testament.  It’s obvious that he’s in Jesus’ inner circle.  He’s one of three who witnesses Jesus raising Jairus’ daughter from death.  He’s also with Jesus at His transfiguration, and he was one of two apostles who were given the special task of preparing the final Passover meal.

He was also the apostle who was ‘all in’ as a believer and a follower of Jesus.  At the washing of the feet, when Jesus explained His reason for doing so, Peter replied, “not only my feet, Lord, but my hands and head as well.”   He was also the one who was so awed by the presence of Moses and Elijah at Jesus’ transfiguration that he immediately suggested making three tents for them.

  We know he was the first to confess that Jesus was “the Christ, the Son of the living God” and that Jesus declared of Peter, “on this rock, I will build my church.”

Peter loved Jesus.  There’s no doubt of it and yet, when it really mattered, when Jesus needed his love, his support, Peter denied him…three times.  How could he?  How could he turn away from the One who had showed him a new way of living and loving?  How could he pretend he didn’t know Jesus, in order to save himself? 

Those questions lead me to a statement I read somewhere; a sentence that rocked me spiritually, and one that is the basis for this reflection.   

“What we give to fear, we take from faith.”

I believe that’s exactly what happened to Peter.  He was afraid and he allowed his fear to rob him of all that he knew about our Lord.  He knew that Jesus was the Messiah; that He was the Son of God.  He’d witnessed it himself many times and had even professed it. He had even been given the gift of healing by Jesus when the apostles were sent out to preach the Good News. 

None of it mattered. In that moment of fear, Peter turned away from Jesus.  Fear became bigger than his faith in our Lord.  Fear made him forget to trust Jesus.  This was a very pivotal moment of denial for Peter and one I’m sure he grieved over for the rest of his life.

You might be saying to yourself, well, that was a long time ago.  What does that have to do with me today? 

You might also be saying to yourself, “I would never have denied Jesus” or I don’t really know what I would have done, but it doesn’t really matter, since it was so long ago.  That situation doesn’t exist for me today.”  Hmmm….

You see that statement, “what we give to fear, we take from faith” gets lived out in ways we may not even notice.  Think about it for a moment.  If we say we’re Christians, then it means we believe what we have learned about Jesus; that He is the Son of God, our Saviour.  It also means we’ve chosen to know Him, love Him and follow His teachings.  In other words, we are His disciples, and as His disciples, we are called to live His teachings.

Now, let’s take a moment to reflect on our everyday lives. 

I don’t know about you, but I grew up saying grace before each meal.  I do that to this day, and my husband and I taught our kids to do the same.  Why is it then, that for most of my life, I never said grace if we were out for dinner, either at friends or at a restaurant? 

If I’m honest with myself, it’s because I felt a little embarrassed to do so.  How would it look? What would people think?  I’m ashamed to say, in those moments, I was denying Jesus. 

So, the hard question we need to ask ourselves is: “How many ways do we deny Jesus?”

You might be thinking, “well, I go to Mass on Sundays or I go to Confession regularly or I say grace and I even wear a cross around my neck.  No way am I denying Jesus.”  I’m a faithful Catholic!

But what about those times when life hits hard and our fears and anxieties take over and consume our minds and hearts?  How much time do we spend focused on those fears, our thoughts whirling around inside our head?  Or when we worry about things that might or might not happen?  Are we leaning into Him or turning away from Him in those moments?

Do we take comfort from His words, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. (John 14:1). Do we really believe it?  That He can help us? Do we count on it?

Each time we give in to our fears, our worries, our feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, are we not denying Jesus?  He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  Do we go to Him? Do we place all our worries and burdens at His feet?  Do we say, “Here, Lord, please take them and lighten my load, as only You can.”

And what about our need to be in control?  When we believe that we’re in charge and it’s up to us to find the answers, fix the problem, take charge of the situation?  Yes, we have our part to play and yet, do we remember who’s really in charge? Do we surrender to His will or do we resist it? Are we saying, “Lord, I put my trust in you,” or are we so busy trying to figure it out that we leave Him out of the equation?

And when things are going well in our lives, do we pause in the middle of all the good and happy to give thanks to Him or do we pat ourselves on the back for a job well done and coast through the good times, forgetting that it’s His grace that’s at the centre of all that’s good in our lives.

I believe the greatest sin we make, the way we truly deny Him is when we believe we have to handle everything ourselves; that we’re alone in the hard and the heavy of our lives.  We forget that even Jesus needed help when he was carrying His cross; that when He stumbled, Simon of Cyrene was tasked with helping our Lord; that Veronica wiped the blood and sweat from His face.

Do you ever wonder if it saddens our Lord that we don’t look to Him when life is hard?  That He thinks to Himself, “I shed my blood for them; I died for them because I love them, because they are my brothers and sisters.”  We are!

We read that in St. Paul’s writings: “Now, if we are children of God, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ…” (Romans 8:17)

So, if we are truly people of faith, if we mean it when we say that we love Jesus, then we must believe Him when He says, “I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10). 

And what does it mean to live an abundant life?

Jesus showed us time and time again that He loves us.  Think about it for a moment.  What do we want for those we love?  We want them to know love and joy and happiness.  We hope they’ll experience a satisfying and fulfilling life and we offer them all our love and support when life gets hard. 

My friends, if we can want and offer that, imagine what Jesus wants for us and what He can offer us!

Jesus isn’t looking for perfection.  He’s looking for a relationship with each one of us, and He understands that our flawed humanity – our sinfulness – will sometimes get in the way, so He waits patiently for us to figure it out. 

He was also clear that, if we are to follow Him like the disciples of His time, we too are called to “go and spread the Good News.”  It doesn’t mean we have to leave our homes and become missionaries.  It can mean something as simple as saying grace when you’re out with family or friends.  What would it be like to just do it?  Or to invite the others to join you?   

If you go to Mass regularly, do your friends or colleagues know? Or do you keep that hidden?  If you keep that hidden, what would it be like to share that?  Or if you know someone who’s going through a tough time, can you offer to pray for them, even if it feels strange or uncomfortable?  It’s amazing how much grace there is in those everyday ways of showing our love for Jesus, of being proud of our faith instead of keeping it locked down. 

I’ll circle back to the Apostles.  They knew their lives would be in danger and yet they walked and talked the Good News everywhere they went. They didn’t shy away even though they had much to lose.   We have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  There’s a beautiful prayer in our weekly missals, “In Him, we live and move and have our being.”  What I hear in that prayer is In Him, we are whole.  Is there anything more profound?  Isn’t that worth everything, even if it means awkward or uncomfortable moments?

As we head into Holy Week, we have a precious opportunity to look within ourselves and with the discernment of the Holy Spirit, to recognize the many ways we turn away from our Lord and re-commit ourselves to following Jesus. 

 Look at Him on that cross.  Look at what God’s love for us looks like.  Our Father gave us everything and He asks only this:  Love His Son. 

I invite you to sit, reflect, pray, and ask for God’s forgiveness for the times you’ve forgotten that His Son truly is the Way, the Truth and the Life.